Swine Palace 2009
My job is dangerous. I’m on the front lines of disease every day. Every week it’s a different setting and who knows what kind of biological terrors are going around in these locations…
Alright, so I know my job as a reporter involves little to no danger. And I also know I’m not on the front lines of a battlefield, let alone and NFL football field. However, with flu season under way, many of the Detroit area schools have been hit hard with the H1N1 virus, and it has forces many school closures. Some of the schools I’ve covered for my television show (High School Hammertime) on FSN have been affected, and thankfully I didn’t catch anything through most of the fall. In fact, there was only one instance of a person I directly know getting swine flu. Last week, I went out with a girl whose sister contracted this dreaded illness working as a pre-K teacher. Why am I telling you this? She and her family came up with the nickname “Swiney” for her sister, and it became a fantastic running joke for the better part of a month. Amid all the sheer terror over swine flu, I thought this was hilarious and we came up with too many great jokes using this name. Her sister made a full recovery, and I think she eventually found out about the name, but it’s a terrific trump card to have in a battle of words with siblings, isn’t it?
Sister 1: “I can’t believe you’d do that.”
Sister 2: “Oh, yeah?! Least I didn’t get THE SWINE from God-knows where!”
(I still haven’t found a comeback for this within reason. If you can find one, let me know)
Anyways, when my parents heard about what was happening in the school systems, they begged me to go and get the vaccine. I thought it was unnecessary and a total pain in the ass. But they caught me in a weak moment after the UM/Illinois embarrassment and I finally agreed to go and get the shot. I set aside time to go to the mass health clinic at the Palace of Auburn Hills last week. I figured this would allow me to get the shot during the day with less people, and also give me a blog topic, which I hadn’t figured out yet.
I couldn’t have been more pleased with my trip. I know a lot of people are still thinking about going to get the shot, and you may need to go to one of these mass clinics with supplies being limited. The experience will be nothing short of interesting. I guarantee it. In case you don’t believe me, here is my experience from “Swine Palace 2009”:
1:55 pm: I get to the Palace parking lot a few minutes early (doors opened at 2pm) and there is already a long winding line up the hill that leads into the Comcast Pavillion food court. It’s 55 F degrees outside, very comfortable and sunny, so no need for my puffy jacket. I bring a bottle of water and Bill Simmons’ 700 page The Book of Basketball with me. This book is massive. Just by sheer volume, this book makes Grapes of Wrath look like it was written by one of Jerry’s kids. I highly recommend taking a book so you have something to do in line. I also recommend going by yourself. Since the line doesn’t start until you hit the door, one person can move up ahead of bigger groups with no problem. This makes it easier to weave your way through the families and strollers the size of SUVs.
2:00 pm: I get in line and it is stop-and-go for about 10 minutes. At this point, I’m stuck between two Asian gentlemen and a stroller that had to be the descendent of a monster truck and a Hummer. Inside this monstrous carriage, the mom had packed books, diapers, and “Organic Gummy Suckers with Vitamin C.” I never thought I’d see the day where people could actually take the fun and sugar out of a ring pop. Gross.
2:02 pm: Still in the same spot, this time the Asian gentlemen to my right just went from speaking English to Mandarin after I slightly bumped one of them trying to move up in line. This has to be one of my top ten pet peeves: “People who speak in another language around people, but have no problem speaking English between themselves.” Half of this is jealousy because I can’t do this myself, while the other half is the feeling that they might be talking about me. Dammit! I find a crease in line, hit the space like Barry Sanders in his prime, and move along.
2:10 pm: Almost inside the Palace! Now I’m next to a 10 year old girl reading a Harry Potter book. We catch each other’s glance, and I’m immediately embarrassed because I realize my book is twice the size of hers and I’m more than twice her age. Not only am I an old fart, but also a huge nerd. This line needs to move faster.
2:18 pm: The promised land. I’m inside and now the group is split into pre-registered (me) and non-registered patients. I move past all the people doing paperwork and start my walk down the concourse. The stations for paperwork completion, ID check, and vaccination station wind all the way around the Palace concourse. I try to move quickly and find a good place at the ID check line. This is like waiting in line for a ride at DisneyWorld. The ID check is like the point in line where you get through the huge maze of railings and talking robots, and can actually see the people getting on the ride cars. I settle in next to a group of cute girls. Hey, I don’t mean for this to happen, but as any amusement park ride junkie will tell you, it’s a force of habit. It’s common knowledge that unless you are with a girlfriend/boyfriend, rule No. 3 for any roller coaster lover is “Find the eye candy in line.” This makes the line go quicker and gives you and your friends something to talk about.
2:19 pm: One of the “cute” girls has a vertical driver’s license. Get out! Abort!! ABORT!!!! I glance and see she’s in college, but I still feel old. I show my “old-person” horizontal license and quickly move up in line.
2:35 pm: Outside the vaccination station, which is normally called the Canadian Club Terrace (a restaurant/bar area). Getting “a shot” in a place where they usually serve “shots” all night? Someone has a corny sense of humor. Just before I step inside, I see a sign that says “Drinks are not to be served after the 3rd Quarter of the game.” I glance down and see Ron Artest’s name mentioned in my basketball book. I laugh really loud and get a nervous look for the elderly woman next to me. I’m so glad I decided to do this.
2:45pm: I got my shot (not too painful) and I head out of the Terrace. One interesting thing to note is the use of “lawn flags” to signal people their station was open. These are the same flags you see to mark the boundary of invisible fences for dogs. It was really cool to see adults waving these flags to signal each other, especially since my friends and I use to do it as 7 yr olds. You’d think this would be a more high tech operation.
I get back home at 3pm and feel the effects right away. I’m pretty tired for the rest of the day and take a few Advil to fight off the effects. Also, I grab some Gatorade and relax the rest of the night. If you get the chance to go to one of these clinics, I highly suggest going. It’s healthy, and you might find yourself some entertaining people while you are there.
Plus, it sure beats being called “Swiney” for the foreseeable future.
